“Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir” Kimberly King Parsons
When I saw that tweet, it spoke to me. That could be my memoir.
When I was in school, my parents thought I studied all the time. Truth: I wasn’t actually studying. I was thinking about it, worrying about it, talking about it, planning the best way to go about it, or doing something I convinced myself was related. Everything but ACTUALLY DOING IT. Eventually I’d fall asleep exhausted and would wake up at 4AM to frantically finish my homework before school.
I’ve carried this habit with me throughout my life. In college, my friends always knew where to find me – in the all-night “study” room in the student union. The habit then went with me to my job. To everything. I would get everything done, but always at the last minute.
And, each and every time, I’d vow to do it differently the next time. And then, of course, each and every time, after all the thinking, worrying, and talking about it, I’d just never start until the last minute.
It isn’t until recently that I discovered why – everything was always tinged with so much pressure because it was always determining my “enoughness.” My worth. If what I created or did wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t good enough. I always internally believed everything I did had to be perfect. If it wasn’t, I believed I’d be bombarded with judgment and criticism that was a reflection of me. Proof that I’m not worthy. I’m not good enough. The pressure paralyzed me and also made the most simple things feel incredibly difficult. And when things felt difficult, I also believed they’d be very time-consuming. So, one faulty belief lead to another lead to another and so on… until every little thing had so much baggage attached to it before it was even on my radar.
Of course, none of these beliefs were actually true. Because, after two weeks of supposedly working on a project or paper, I’d actually get it done in six hours right before it was due. When my mind had no time to play it’s tricky games, I could always get my work done. And, it was done pretty well.
Here is the thing about your mind: it is designed to keep you safe. It is designed to protect you from what it perceives as danger. So, it uses the belief “I’m a perfectionist.” to achieve that goal. Perfectionism pretends to be noble and takes itself very seriously. But it’s just a trick – the true purpose is to keep you at status quo. If you don’t think you’ll get the validation that things are perfect, you procrastinate. You feel stuck. In that state of “not doing,” you stay in what’s familiar. You stay safe. You don’t rock the boat. No one can hurt you, judge you, or criticize you if you aren’t actually doing anything.
When you have powerful self-belief in your own inherent worth, everything isn’t riding on the next thing you do. The fear of future criticism or judgment doesn’t derail you. You start to move towards your goals one step at a time, knowing that each step is perfect in it’s imperfection. In that state, you allow creativity to flourish. You trust your intuition. You remember *why* you are doing something and you allow that to fuel you. You plant seeds and you allow things to grow. Things are no longer halted by all the danger that your mind is perceiving.
This has been a tough and sad week for a lot of people. NBA superstar Kobe Bryant, his beloved 13 year old daughter, and seven of their friends tragically and suddenly lost their lives in a helicopter crash Sunday morning. In addition to his love for his daughters and his career, there has been so much discussion this week about Kobe’s pursuit of excellence. Kobe Bryant wasn’t perfect. But, he did strive to get better and better in the short time he had here.
When someone famous dies, regardless of our opinion of them, we have a large collective realization of the fragility of life. None of us know how much time we have on this earth as these people in these bodies. Should we allow a trick of the mind to paralyze us into not living our best life? We can acknowledge the way our mind, our subconscious, is trying to protect us and then work to let it go.
The pursuit of perfection and the pursuit of excellence are not the same thing. Your excellence is within you. It is only encumbered by all the layers of beliefs and identities you’ve attached to. Without the beliefs and labels (of perfectionist, procrastinator, etc.), who is underneath? This is something I’m continuing to discover for myself as well.
Try it out: Imagine that your goal is to be imperfect. Does it create a feeling of openness within you? Some breathing room? How would it feel to create from that space?
P.S. If you are curious about what labels or beliefs may be holding you back, I can help. I work with women to release their subconscious beliefs, emotions, and patterns in order to reclaim their inherent self-worth and find freedom. Please schedule a free consultation if you’d like to know more!